one day, when you’re all grown up, and are married with a new baby of your own, you will understand this letter. until that happens, though, you will probably just think your mother has lost it.
i am going to tell you my biggest fear in the entire world. and when i say entire world, i mean the ENTIRE world. my biggest fear in the world is something happening to you or not being there for you. i’m not scared of being in a plane crash, car wreck, having a house fall on top of me, or anything else. you hold my biggest fear.
why? you may ask.
well, it all began when i finally realized how defenseless you are. how tiny and innocent and beautiful you are. and how when you panic, i super panic. kinda gratifying to know that you can send your mother into insane mode, huh? don’t take advantage of that later….
all jokes aside, you scared me to death last night. you got choked on a puff. i’m sure that by the time i give you all of these, you will have no idea what a puff is so i’m gonna tell ya. it’s kinda like a puffed out piece of cereal, but for babies. they’re suppose to disolve quickly.
well, either you were holding more than one in your mouth or you forgot to chew, but you choked on it and couldn’t breathe. i felt like everything was going in slow motion for what was probably only a few seconds. the look on your face has been permanently burned into my head i think. if i think about it, i cry. you didn’t know what to do and to be honest, i didn’t either. i patted you on the back and tried to help, but that didn’t work. i tried to put my finger in your mouth to see if i could get rid of the puff or whatever, and thank God you threw up. alot. it scared me so bad! i’m still not over it. we cleaned you up and you were smiling and fine, but i wasn’t so quick to recover. daddy made me laugh, but as soon as the shock wore off, i cried. by that time, you were splashing away in the sink during your bath.
i would absolutely die if anything ever happened to you. it’s scary really. how before you were here, i thought i could have a child and be fine or never have a child and be just as fine. it didn’t matter to me. but now that you’re here, my whole life tied up in your little heart beat and smile and fingers and toes. you are my whole reason for being here.
sometimes stories pop up on my phone from the news about all of the awful things that are happening, and i wonder if we did the right thing bringing you into this world. i fear that something could happen to me and you would be alone. and that scares me almost as bad as something happening to you.
no matter what i’m afraid of though, i’m so glad that you are here. i’m so glad that you bring some light into this world. something great!
no matter what ever happens in your life, i hope you know that for as long as i live, i will protect you as much as i can. i will try my best to keep evil away from you, but i will make you aware of it so that when you are older, you will know what to do if you’re faced with something. i will take care of you and boss people around if it’s necessary (like i do the daycare…. no cheerios, people). i will do everything in my power to ensure that you are healthy, fed, clothed, and happy.
you are and will always be my sunshine.
now learn to chew a little better and we’ll be alright! 
i love you.
forever,
mom
